Meet Clever

Looking for a photographer to take cute, Christmassy shots of you and your bae frolicking in a spruce forest? Know a potter who makes artisanal mugs perfect for hot chocolate on cold nights? Are you throwing a low-key, ugly sweater christmas party that needs a jazz guitarist to play Vince Guaraldi covers? Don't have enough money to pay for any of these things but refuse to go without them? Well you're in luck! I have compiled five air-tight ways to avoid paying artists this Christmas while still benefitting from their work! 1. Offer them experience. A little known fact about sculptors, musicians, and artists in general is that they are actually quite inexperienced. Therefore, what they need more than anything is practice doing precisely what you want. Even the most skilled artist can improve! So ignore the years of work they have dedicated to mastering their art and offer them something they cannot resist: unpaid labour. 2. Buy them a case of beer or a bag of wee...

BC's New Democratic leader John Horgan announced earlier this week that the government would be going ahead with the nearly $11 billion Site C dam slated for construction near the province's Fort St. John. Numerous Canadians from the political left and right have taken to Facebook to voice their concerns regarding the necessity of the dam. Given the contentious nature of the project, it is perhaps unsurprising that many of these Facebook posts have inspired heated and often confrontational responses. One such post, which started a fiery dialogue between Hugh McClinton and Anders Goffer, became particularly confrontational, so much so that it caught the eye of one of Facebook's newly hired Content  Moderators, Stephen Li. According to Li, such heated debates are common on Facebook, especially during divisive political announcements. However, even Li was surprised at how quickly this particular argument over BC's Site C dam managed to make reference to Adolf Hit...

The country is short on doctors these days. A trip to your nearest clinic will surely result in an hour and a half wait to see a woman whose patience has run thin (but sadly not her patients). So what is one to do with all that free time? Well, luckily I've thought this one out for you. Here are the top five things to do while waiting to see your doctor. 1. Cough moistly One sure-fire way to pass the time is as old as whooping cough itself. Inflate those lungs and listen to the wet howl of your mucus reverberate through the room as you exhale violently. Still time to spare? Do it again! This activity costs nothing and is an easy way to communicate your sickness to others. 2. Shake your leg and look suspiciously around the room Those doctors back there have all kinds of sharp instruments. Good lord, I hope they don't use them on me. Just relax. Hopefully she'll just prescribe something nice and write me a note dismissing me from work for a few days. One time ...

It's a late winter evening, Ash Wednesday. The church smells of wax and dampness. An Italian gentleman wearing Brut toes the pedals of an organ and looks down his glasses at the sheets before him. Men proceed through the aisles gripping gilded staffs, their robes fluttering at their ankles. Candles flit their light up stained panels of glass--green, purple, gold--and when a draft falls over them, their wicks cough wisps of black smudge. There's a chalice filled with red wine, another with holy water. It's not a funeral, but Jesus Christ, who died? The back doors open as the music stops. A man enters the silence wearing a denim button down and a bolo tie. He's got gold-tinted aviators. His hair's slick as hell. He's got a jade-green acoustic guitar. Damn, is he gonna play that thing here? I guess he is. He's getting right up there with the organ player. Now he's saying a few things to him, the Italian guy, the organ player. The organ player nods as ...

      It has recently come to my attention, as it surely has to the nearly 60, 000 residents of Greater Vernon, that corporate panhandling is becoming a conspicuous problem in the downtown area. Whether it's a dancing investment broker mascot or a sign-twirling pizza man, it is undeniable that something has to be done. Despite local efforts--ranging from an occasional police shooing to communal ignorance and contempt--the issue remains unchecked. This has the municipality and community workers desperate for solutions. Disgusting I paid a visit to Vernon's core to get a sense of the public's opinion regarding the matter. "They're disgusting," says Deborah Butler regarding the maple-leaf-shaped mascot dancing beside the courthouse. Deborah is a proud local, born and raised in the city. Her solution? "Round 'em all up and throw 'em in jail." As it turns out, the city of Vernon has considered this a viable option for years. However, there...

It was a blustery February night when I last visited Grim Slim in his downtown Vernon apartment. Wet snow fluttered to the damp asphalt streets as I scurried up the wood-stepped stairwell to bang on his window (I don't have a key yet). As I waited, I inhaled the moist, airborne grease that floated from the open door of the sushi restaurant which is part of the building. Then, after I heard a rustling from inside, I saw the door swing open and I was invited in.  I was immediately greeted by the scent of Nag Champa and the allergenic caress of his lovely cat, Sage. Wonderful. I love cats. We both knew we had an interview to conduct so we got right to it and rolled some jazz cabbage in a zigzag and lit it on his coil-top electric range (a real 80s style beauty, damn). He showed me some of his newest recordings and I noticed a demarcated shift from everything else he'd ever recorded. He was working with some experimental sounds and some heavy effects that clearly pulled away f...

      Scam artists are more deceptive than ever these days. Current technological advancements allow people to deceive and dupe on a level never before seen. Such swindles have even the most tech-savvy millennials asking the question, "Has science gone too far?" This means that the average Joe has to be ever vigilant if he or she wishes to avoid hoodwinkery. So, for what tricks should one be on the lookout? Glad you asked. Here are the top 5 scams to avoid in 2017. 1. The '2 Seconds Left on the Microwave' Word is there's a scam going around where people take food out of the microwave 2 seconds before the time's up and then don't hit the clear button. You'll know you're the victim of this atrocity when you go to microwave a cup of coffee and instead of successfully selecting the 'reheat' button you hear two quick, terse beep-beeps. That's the microwave saying "you've been had". Watch yourself. 2. The 'Email F...

It sits there, day after day, taking up space at the far end of your bathroom. You've probably looked at it a hundred times without a second thought. If you're like millions of Canadians nation-wide, you probably don't even know you have one. But your bathtub, in reality, has dozens of practical uses that very few would ever consider. So let's take a look at some of the most useful applications of this porcelain enigma. Here are the top five little known uses for your bathtub. 1. Cup holder This is a bathtub. That's right, the bottom of your bathtub can serve as a perfect surface on which you can place anything from a mug of coffee to a glass of wine! This little tip might just change your morning bathroom routine for good. "Who's going to check your bathtub  for a grow-op?" 2. Garden Most bathtubs are in reality around 99% void. This means they are perfect for filling with soil and planting vegetables such as potatoes and c...

That afternoon I sat and considered most things as they are and how they appear to be: the couch and cushions, raspy and woolen and grey; the bespeckled carpet; the fish twisting in the lazy murk of water and algae. Then upon an adulterated state my mind began to wander and consider, wonder and contemplate: the idea that November means brandy. So I wanted to make an adventure into the dry valley air and taste the wind and watch the anonymous faces whiz by holding and hiding unknown desires the likes of mine. By chance some may be afflicted with the same prescription. Be it by habit or vice these people have come to pilot steel with sunken brain or lifted lung, or some ill-calculated combination. Such is the way of a small-town boy, finding fun in things deemed malicious and regrettable, gagging out the window in an attempt to dispel wisps of creosote, or sprawling hands through sands to find beach spiders, finding them in absolute dread and horror and consequently seeking comfort in f...