Top 5 Ways to Get the Most Out of Fall

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Fall is a magical time of year full of witchcraft, paganism, decomposition, public goat-boilings, and the beloved Grey Cup. Sadly it only lasts three months. Luckily, there are ways to make it seem like an unending hell-trip that started with a bad wish made knee deep in fox blood.

1. Have Thanksgiving dinner every day

That's right. Slaughter turkeys day after day until your hatchet is dull from the perpetual blows to fowl throats. Keep the blood and make a six foot tall blood sausage to put in the garage to show children on Halloween.

2. Slowly introduce your children to life in the Gourd

The Gourd is our new friend. He is a portly jack-o-lantern. He is warm because we fill him with oil lamps and blankets. Do not put the lid on or you will sleep through trick-or-treating. Be thankful for the moist, dewy environment. These are the things you will say to introduce your children to life in the Gourd.

3. Attend a public goat-boiling

These are entertaining, often free events that occur around 3:33 AM. Part of the fun is finding them! Each year, hundreds of goat-boilings occur all across the country and nearly all of them refrain from any kind of advertising. This ensures a very intimate environment for those lucky few who stumble upon the events. Popular settings for goat-boilings include the woods, the mountains, and even sometimes the forest.

Great place for a goat-boiling
4. Drink until you develop cirrhosis

Is yellow a fall colour? Almost.

5. Die.

What better way to experience the reality of the coming winter?



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