Top 5 Ways to Get High Without Doing "Drugs"

Drugs are bad; I think we can all agree. But haven't you ever been just a little bit curious of how it would feel, just once, to be high on something like, oh, let's say, heroin? Well you're not alone. Curiosity is natural, but drugs are not (excluding most). So let's get right down to it. Here are my top five drugs that aren't really "drugs".

1. Chamomile tea

That's right, tea. Chamomile tea when taken orally is a mild relaxant that can aid sleep. However, few know that when prepared triple strength and administered rectally, chamomile tea can act as a sort of tranquilizer with effects similar to ketamine. Help, Grandma, I'm in the C-Hole ;)

2. Blaring radio static blindfolded

Lie down on a soft surface, blindfolded, with the radio cranking static and wait approximately 12 hours. You'll know it's kicked in when you begin tasting frequencies and hearing what your grandfather's face felt like.

3. Acquiring a disease with fever as a symptom

Malaria is ideal, but if you're insistent on doing a half-assed job of it, just suck on public door handles and shopping cart keys until you're bed-ridden and around 103 fahrenheit. When you're sick, your body heats up to unreasonable temperatures in an attempt to kill whatever is inside you. It doesn't really work though, and often when you are this hot, your brain begins to do strange things,

Capsicum nicotiana: natural alternative to the street drug 'spicy-dart'

 like situate your field of vision simultaneously under the couch and in your kitchen pantry. This is all natural. You might recover and try unsuccessfully to remind yourself what those bits of synesthesia felt like. You might obsess over how you could ever relate those feelings to someone else. If this really starts to eat at you, take LSD and you'll remember.

4. Fuck, like, don't sleep for eleven days?

5. What social process has fostered your disdain for illicit drugs while preserving your good natured curiosity for body and mind alteration?