Meet Clever

Fall is a magical time of year full of witchcraft, paganism, decomposition, public goat-boilings, and the beloved Grey Cup. Sadly it only lasts three months. Luckily, there are ways to make it seem like an unending hell-trip that started with a bad wish made knee deep in fox blood. 1. Have Thanksgiving dinner every day That's right. Slaughter turkeys day after day until your hatchet is dull from the perpetual blows to fowl throats. Keep the blood and make a six foot tall blood sausage to put in the garage to show children on Halloween. 2. Slowly introduce your children to life in the Gourd The Gourd is our new friend. He is a portly jack-o-lantern. He is warm because we fill him with oil lamps and blankets. Do not put the lid on or you will sleep through trick-or-treating. Be thankful for the moist, dewy environment. These are the things you will say to introduce your children to life in the Gourd. 3. Attend a public goat-boiling These are entertaining, often free event...

Drugs are bad; I think we can all agree. But haven't you ever been just a little bit curious of how it would feel , just once, to be high on something like, oh, let's say, heroin? Well you're not alone. Curiosity is natural, but drugs are not (excluding most). So let's get right down to it. Here are my top five drugs that aren't really "drugs". 1. Chamomile tea That's right, tea. Chamomile tea when taken orally is a mild relaxant that can aid sleep. However, few know that when prepared triple strength and administered rectally, chamomile tea can act as a sort of tranquilizer with effects similar to ketamine. Help, Grandma, I'm in the C-Hole ;) 2. Blaring radio static blindfolded Lie down on a soft surface, blindfolded, with the radio cranking static and wait approximately 12 hours. You'll know it's kicked in when you begin tasting frequencies and hearing what your grandfather's face felt like. 3. Acquiring a disease with fever...