Daniel's Top 5 Tips For Restaurant Management
So you finally did it. You quit your day job and opened up a quaint little restaurant. You've dreamed of this moment! You've finally said goodbye to your gruelling 9-5 prison and hello to a job, no, lifestyle, of complete financial uncertainty. However, to turn this grub-shack into a booming upscale eatery, you're going to have to get some reliable, hardworking staff. You may think the key to great staff is all in the hiring process but that's where you'd be wrong. A great employee isn't hired, they're made. "How do I make one of these fantastic employees?" you may be asking yourself. Well, look no further.
#1) The Hiring Process
I know, I know! I just said it wasn't important. But you have to start here no matter what. Start by putting a HELP WANTED sign on the front door of your restaurant. This doesn't at all look desperate and it's the easiest way to attract future employees. Once you've reeled one or two of these prospects in the door, all you have to do is take their resume. At this point, you can't be picky. Tell each applicant they're hired. Once you have them on the payroll, work them as little or as much as you like. There are no hard and fast rules as to how you must treat your employees. They'll say stuff like, "I need my schedule 2 weeks in advance" but let's face it, who knows if your rat infested dump of a restaurant will still be standing by then.
#2) The Internal Hierarchy
This one's important. Immediately inform your employees that there is a set hierarchy amongst the staff. Introduce them to their superiors to plant the seed of inferiority in them. This will help to "break" them, if you will. Assume they know exactly what they're doing. Making them read through endless safety procedures and watch boring training videos is a waste of time. They'll learn it faster by just doing it. I shouldn't have to explain this shit over and over. I mean, they passed through the interview process, right? And why is Lukas on the till again? He's terrible. Like, what the fuck, has this idiot never operated a till before? Christ, Margaret, come take the till for this guy. Honey! Hey, hon, I need you over here, now! For Christ sakes, my wife sometimes...
#3) Employee-Employer Relationships
Do not date an employee. If you're married, do not start an affair with an employee. Do not divorce your wife for one of your employees then move away with her and realize she's actually a psycho. Actually, what I'm talking about is the everyday relationship you'll have with your staff. Eventually your workers will just seem like part of a big, dysfunctional family you're allowed to openly admit to hating. Suppress these hateful feelings. You must seem joyful and cheery no matter how insincere it comes off. Not only does this create a healthier work atmosphere, it improves the morale of all your staff. They'll be more likely to stay at their job if you keep their morale up, but if for some reason it drops low enough for them to quit, don't worry. You'll have plenty of untrained, incompetent newbies ready to jump right into the open position. Bet you're glad you kept all those resumes now, eh?
#4) Properly Discipling Staff
Undoubtedly more important than rewarding the good behaviour of your employees is punishing them for their bad behaviour. Keep them confused and on edge by randomly lashing out at minuscule mistakes while flaunting your indifference towards bigger issues, such as food safety and labour laws. Although it's generally illegal to strike your employees, feel free to get a bit handsy with them, especially the women. Your inappropriate displays of affection will create an internal conflict within the employee, making it that much harder for them to get comfortable around you. Remember: the last thing you want is for them to get comfortable around you.
#5) Wages and Promotions
Easy. Minimum wage. No promotions. Except for you, Beth. You get a promotion ;D
-Daniel Greene
#1) The Hiring Process
I know, I know! I just said it wasn't important. But you have to start here no matter what. Start by putting a HELP WANTED sign on the front door of your restaurant. This doesn't at all look desperate and it's the easiest way to attract future employees. Once you've reeled one or two of these prospects in the door, all you have to do is take their resume. At this point, you can't be picky. Tell each applicant they're hired. Once you have them on the payroll, work them as little or as much as you like. There are no hard and fast rules as to how you must treat your employees. They'll say stuff like, "I need my schedule 2 weeks in advance" but let's face it, who knows if your rat infested dump of a restaurant will still be standing by then.
#2) The Internal Hierarchy
This one's important. Immediately inform your employees that there is a set hierarchy amongst the staff. Introduce them to their superiors to plant the seed of inferiority in them. This will help to "break" them, if you will. Assume they know exactly what they're doing. Making them read through endless safety procedures and watch boring training videos is a waste of time. They'll learn it faster by just doing it. I shouldn't have to explain this shit over and over. I mean, they passed through the interview process, right? And why is Lukas on the till again? He's terrible. Like, what the fuck, has this idiot never operated a till before? Christ, Margaret, come take the till for this guy. Honey! Hey, hon, I need you over here, now! For Christ sakes, my wife sometimes...
#3) Employee-Employer Relationships
Do not date an employee. If you're married, do not start an affair with an employee. Do not divorce your wife for one of your employees then move away with her and realize she's actually a psycho. Actually, what I'm talking about is the everyday relationship you'll have with your staff. Eventually your workers will just seem like part of a big, dysfunctional family you're allowed to openly admit to hating. Suppress these hateful feelings. You must seem joyful and cheery no matter how insincere it comes off. Not only does this create a healthier work atmosphere, it improves the morale of all your staff. They'll be more likely to stay at their job if you keep their morale up, but if for some reason it drops low enough for them to quit, don't worry. You'll have plenty of untrained, incompetent newbies ready to jump right into the open position. Bet you're glad you kept all those resumes now, eh?
#4) Properly Discipling Staff
Undoubtedly more important than rewarding the good behaviour of your employees is punishing them for their bad behaviour. Keep them confused and on edge by randomly lashing out at minuscule mistakes while flaunting your indifference towards bigger issues, such as food safety and labour laws. Although it's generally illegal to strike your employees, feel free to get a bit handsy with them, especially the women. Your inappropriate displays of affection will create an internal conflict within the employee, making it that much harder for them to get comfortable around you. Remember: the last thing you want is for them to get comfortable around you.
#5) Wages and Promotions
Easy. Minimum wage. No promotions. Except for you, Beth. You get a promotion ;D
-Daniel Greene
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